The One You Can’t Forgive

You Know Who I Mean

You’re reading this and a face just showed up in your head.

Maybe it’s your father. The one who left, or the one who stayed and was worse than gone. Maybe it’s your mother. Maybe it’s the man who hurt you when you were a kid and walked away from it like nothing happened. Maybe it’s your ex. Maybe it’s the friend who set you up. Maybe it’s the cop who roughed you up. Maybe it’s the judge. Maybe it’s the system. Maybe it’s the church people who looked through you instead of at you.

You see their face and your jaw tightens. Years later. Decades later. The wound is still doing its work.

And somewhere along the line, somebody told you that as a Christian, you have to forgive them.

And every part of you went no.

Not them. Not after what they did.

This paper is for that.

We’re not going to ask you to pretend it wasn’t bad. We’re not going to ask you to call them up and hug them. We’re going to talk about what forgiveness actually is in the Bible — and what it isn’t — because most of what you’ve been told is wrong, and the wrong definition is what’s keeping you stuck.

Get your coffee. Sit down. Let’s go.

What Forgiveness Is NOT

Before we say what forgiveness is, let’s get rid of what it isn’t. The world has piled four lies on top of this word, and we have to clear them off the table.

Forgiveness is not saying it wasn’t a big deal. It was a big deal. God knows it was. The Bible never asks you to pretend an injury didn’t happen or didn’t matter. In fact, when Jesus talked about forgiveness, He used a financial word — debt. You don’t have a debt unless something real was taken from you.

Forgiveness is not letting them off the hook. This is the one that trips people up the most. Read this carefully:

“Dear friends, never take revenge. Leave that to the righteous anger of God. For the Scriptures say, ‘I will take revenge; I will pay them back,’ says the Lord.”

— Romans 12:19 (NLT)

Notice what Paul is saying. He is not saying there’s no debt. He’s not saying what happened was okay. He’s saying I will pay them back, says the Lord. There is a hook. They are on it. But the hook is in God’s hand, not yours.

Forgiveness is not taking them off the hook. It’s taking them off your hook and putting them on God’s hook. God is a far better judge than you are. He sees what you didn’t see. He’ll handle it.

Forgiveness is not trust. Forgiving someone does not mean you have to let them back into your life as if nothing happened. A man can forgive an ex-wife and never call her again. A woman can forgive an abuser and never be alone in a room with him again. Forgiveness is a free gift. Trust is earned over time. They are not the same thing.

Forgiveness is not a feeling. This might be the biggest lie. You don’t wait to feel forgiving before you forgive, the same way you don’t wait to feel sober before you stop drinking. Forgiveness is a decision you make in front of God, with your will, even when your feelings are screaming the other way. The feelings catch up later. Sometimes a lot later.

What Forgiveness IS

So if it’s not those four things, what is it?

Jesus told a story to teach us. A man owed his king a debt so massive it could never be repaid. The king, out of compassion, canceled the whole thing. That same man then walked outside and grabbed a fellow servant by the throat over a small debt and threw him in jail. When the king found out, he was furious.

“That’s what my heavenly Father will do to you if you refuse to forgive your brothers and sisters from your heart.”

— Matthew 18:35 (NLT)

That story (read all of Matthew 18:21-35 sometime) tells us exactly what forgiveness is:

Forgiveness is releasing a debt you have every right to collect.

You’re not pretending the debt isn’t there. You’re not saying they don’t owe you. You’re choosing — by an act of your will, in front of God — to stop trying to collect it yourself. To stop running the tape in your head. To stop rehearsing the speech you’d give them if you ever saw them again. To hand the whole file over to God and let Him handle it.

It’s the moment you say, out loud or in your heart: Lord, I take my hands off their throat. They are Yours now. I’m not their judge anymore.

Why Bother? Three Reasons.

Here is the honest question. Why would you do that? They don’t deserve it.

You’re right. They don’t. Here are three reasons anyway.

Reason one. Because God did it for you.

“Make allowance for each other’s faults, and forgive anyone who offends you. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.”

— Colossians 3:13 (NLT)

We talked about this in week one. You came to God with a debt you could not pay. He paid it. He didn’t make you earn it. He didn’t make you grovel. He looked at the cross of His Son and said paid in full. Now He looks at you and says, I want you to do for them what I did for you.

You may say but God, You don’t understand what they did to me. He does. He watched it happen. And He’s the one asking.

Reason two. Because not forgiving is killing you.

“Watch out that no poisonous root of bitterness grows up to trouble you, corrupting many.”

— Hebrews 12:15 (NLT)

The Bible calls unforgiveness a root. Roots grow underground. You don’t see them. But they spread, and one day the poisonous fruit shows up on every branch of your life. Your marriage. Your kids. Your friendships. Your sleep. Your drinking. Your temper. The person who hurt you ten years ago is still controlling your life today because you won’t let them go.

There’s a saying: unforgiveness is drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die. You’re the one drinking it. They are out there living their life. You are the one in the cage. And the door has been unlocked the whole time.

Reason three. Because God can do something with this that you cannot.

“You intended to harm me, but God intended it all for good. He brought me to this position so I could save the lives of many people.”

— Genesis 50:20 (NLT)

That’s Joseph talking to the brothers who sold him into slavery. Read his story sometime (Genesis 37-50). Beaten by his own family. Sold like cattle. Falsely accused. Forgotten in prison. Every bad thing in his life came from somebody else’s sin against him.

And what does he say at the end? You meant evil. God meant good. Joseph never says it wasn’t evil. He says God can take the same thing they meant for harm and use it for something they never imagined.

You don’t have to figure out how God is going to do that with what happened to you. That’s not your job. Your job is to take your hands off the throat of the person who hurt you so God has room to work.

How You Actually Do It

This is not a feeling. It is a decision in front of God. You can do it today. You can do it sitting in this donut shop. You can do it in your truck on the way home.

Here is the simplest way to do it:

Say their name. Out loud, if you can. Tell God exactly what they did. Don’t soften it. Don’t make excuses for them. Tell Him the truth: Lord, this is what they did. This is what it cost me. This is the hole it left in my life.

Then say this, or something like it: Lord, I am taking my hands off their throat. I am not their judge anymore. I release them to You. Whatever justice or mercy they get, that’s between them and You. I am done carrying this.

Then expect to do it again. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe in an hour. The memory will come back. The bitterness will rise up. When it does, you don’t panic. You don’t think you faked the first time. You just do it again. Peter asked Jesus how many times he should forgive somebody. Jesus answered:

“No, not seven times, but seventy times seven!”

— Matthew 18:22 (NLT)

Jesus isn’t saying exactly 490 times. He’s saying as many times as it takes. Every time the wound rises, you release it again. Over time, the grip loosens. The wound becomes a scar. The scar becomes a testimony.

And one day — maybe months, maybe years from now — you will be sitting at a table like this one, telling somebody else how God set you free. And the person who hurt you will not own you anymore.

TAKE IT WITH YOU

One thought.  Forgiveness is not letting them off the hook. It’s taking them off your hook and putting them on God’s. He’s a better judge than you.

One question.  Whose face showed up when you started reading this paper? You don’t have to call them. You don’t have to forget what they did. But are you ready to take your hands off their throat?

One step.  Do it today. Say their name to God. Tell Him what they did. Then say I release them to You. If the bitterness comes back tomorrow, do it again. As many times as it takes.