Anger the kind that scares you

Anger — the Kind That Scares You

The Kind You Cannot Talk About in Church

Not the mild frustration when somebody cuts you off in traffic. This paper is not about that.

This is about the anger that scares you. The kind that shows up out of nowhere and you cannot get a hand on it. The kind that has put a hole in the drywall. The kind that made your kid flinch when you raised your voice, and you saw the flinch, and you knew what you had just become. The kind that has said the words you cannot take back — to your wife, to your husband, to your kid, to your mother, to somebody you love. The kind that runs cold in your chest three hours later when you finally cool down and see what you did.

For some of you, it is even louder than that. It is what put you in a courtroom. It is what cost you a marriage. It is what cost you a job. It is what cost you a kid who does not call anymore. It is what you have been trying to control your whole life, and it keeps winning.

For others of you, it is quieter, but no less scary. It is the anger you have been swallowing for thirty years that comes out sideways at the smallest thing and eats you from the inside.

Wherever you are on that scale — this paper is for you.

Because most Christian writing about anger will tell you it is a sin, and you should just repent of it and stop. That is not what the Bible actually says, and if you are somebody with real anger, that flat answer has probably failed you a hundred times.

The Bible says something more honest, and more freeing. Let’s get to it.

Get your coffee. Sit down. Let’s talk about the fire in your chest.

Anger Is Not Automatically Sin

Here is the first thing you need to know, and it might surprise you.

Jesus got angry. In fact, He got angry more than once, and the Bible does not apologize for it. He walked into the temple, saw people cheating the poor at the money tables, and He physically flipped the tables over and drove people out with a whip (John 2:15). That was not a mild frustration. That was full-blown anger. And it was righteous.

God gets angry too. Read the Old Testament sometime. God’s anger burns against injustice, cruelty, and the crushing of the weak. His anger is never petty. It is never out of control. But it is real, and it is holy.

If Jesus got angry and God gets angry, then anger itself cannot be automatically sinful. If it were, God would be sinning, which He cannot do.

The Bible says this directly:

“And don’t sin by letting anger control you.” Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry.”

— Ephesians 4:26 (NLT)

Read that carefully. Paul does not say don’t be angry. He says don’t sin by letting anger control you. There is a huge difference. Anger itself is not the sin. Anger controlling you is the sin. Anger that gets to sit and rot in you overnight, week after week — that is what turns into sin.

Anger is a signal. Like the check engine light on your truck. It is telling you something is wrong — sometimes with the world, sometimes with somebody else, sometimes with you. The signal is not the problem. The problem is when you either ignore it or let the engine burn itself out.

Where the Anger Is Actually Coming From

Most chronic anger — the kind that scares you — is not really about the thing that set it off. Your wife did not put a paper towel roll on wrong, and you exploded. The paper towel roll was not the problem. Something underneath was. And the paper towel roll happened to be the match on the powder.

The Bible is honest about where anger comes from. James wrote:

“What is causing the quarrels and fights among you? Don’t they come from the evil desires at war within you?”

— James 4:1 (NLT)

War within you. That is the honest answer. Somewhere under the surface, there is a war going on. And until you look at what is actually fighting, you are going to keep exploding at people who are not really the enemy.

Here are the four biggest things that anger is usually sitting on top of. One of these is probably you.

Grief that was never grieved. Last week’s paper. Anger and grief are often the same wound wearing different clothes. When a man loses something and never lets himself feel it — a parent, a marriage, a dream, a kid — the grief does not go away. It turns into rage. Because rage feels stronger than sadness, and a lot of men were taught early that sadness was not allowed.

Fear that got dressed up as anger. Fear feels weak. Anger feels strong. So a lot of us — men especially — feel fear, and then instantly turn it into anger before it registers. The bill you cannot pay, the diagnosis you cannot fix, the kid you cannot reach — that starts as fear and comes out as rage at whoever is nearby.

Shame you cannot look at. You did something you cannot undo, and you have never dealt with it, and every time somebody gets close to it, you explode to push them back. The people around you often catch the heat that was meant for you.

A wound that never healed. Somebody hurt you a long time ago, and you never processed it, and now every time somebody does anything that reminds you of that person, the fuse blows. You are not really mad at the person in front of you. You are mad at somebody from twenty years ago who cannot hear you anymore. But the person in front of you catches it anyway.

If you can figure out what is actually under the anger, you can start dealing with the real thing instead of just apologizing for the explosions.

Anger at God

We have to say this out loud because a lot of you carry it and have never told anybody.

You are angry at God.

Maybe for what happened to you as a kid. Maybe for what happened to your mother. Maybe for a diagnosis. Maybe for what He did not stop. Maybe for a prayer He did not answer the way you wanted. Maybe for the years you feel He wasted.

And on top of the anger, you feel guilty for being angry at Him. So you have been hiding it. Pretending it is not there. Trying to be a good Christian on the surface while an entire wing of your heart is closed off to Him because of what you are carrying.

Hear this. God can handle your anger.

He handled it from Job, who lost everything and yelled at God for 30 chapters. He handled it from David, who wrote actual songs — that are in the Bible — accusing God of forgetting him. He handled it from Jeremiah, who yelled at God, “O LORD, you misled me, and I allowed myself to be misled” (Jeremiah 20:7). He handled it from Jesus Himself, who on the cross screamed, “My God, my God, why have you abandoned me?” (Mark 15:34).

If God can handle Jesus yelling that at Him from the cross, He can handle whatever you have been holding back.

Tell Him. Out loud. Not politely. Really. God, I am furious with You for X. You will not be the first. You will not shock Him. He already knows. And He has been waiting for you to bring it into the room instead of trying to serve Him around it.

You cannot heal what you cannot say. Say it.

What to Actually Do With It

Because anger you cannot manage is going to cost you the people you love, eventually. That is not a threat. That is just math.

One. Slow it down. The Bible is not shy:

“You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. Human anger does not produce the righteousness God desires.”

— James 1:19-20 (NLT)

Anger is fast. That is what makes it destructive. Slow it down by any means necessary. Walk away for ten minutes. Take a breath before you answer. Do not fire off the text. Almost every regret you have ever had came from something you said or did in less than sixty seconds.

Two. Deal with it before bed. Ephesians 4:26 again — don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry. Not because God has a curfew. Because anger that gets to sleep overnight starts putting down roots. It turns into bitterness. It becomes part of who you are. Get it out before the day ends. Apologize. Forgive. Pray about it. Do something.

Three. Look under the anger. Every time you blow up, ask yourself later: what was I really feeling right before that? If you keep dealing with the surface, you will keep exploding. If you deal with the root, the explosions get less frequent and less destructive.

Four. Ask the Spirit for what you do not have. Self-control is not something you can white-knuckle. It is a fruit of the Spirit.

“But the Holy Spirit produces this kind of fruit in our lives: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.”

— Galatians 5:22-23 (NLT)

Read those last words. Gentleness. Self-control. You do not manufacture them. You receive them. Ask by name. Father, I need Your gentleness with my wife. Grow it in me because I do not have it on my own.

Fools Rage. The Wise Wait.

“Fools give full vent to their rage, but the wise quietly hold it back.”

— Proverbs 29:11 (NLT)

The world will tell you to let it out. To speak your truth. The Bible calls that foolish. Not because your feelings do not matter, but because rage that gets full vent almost always burns down more than it accomplishes. The wise person holds it back — not stuffs it, not pretends it is not there — holds it back long enough to think, long enough to pray, long enough to bring it to God instead of dumping it on somebody who cannot fix it.

You do not have to be a person your family flinches from. Real strength does not need to yell. Real strength can hold the fire without setting the house on fire. You have a Father who is not afraid of your fire, and He is turning it into something that no longer burns the people you love.

TAKE IT WITH YOU

One thought.  Anger is not automatically sin. Jesus got angry. The sin is what you do with it — letting it control you, letting it live overnight, letting it burn people you love.

One question.  What is your anger actually sitting on top of? Grief? Fear? Shame? A wound? Somebody you have never forgiven — including yourself, including God? What is the real thing?

One step.  This week, when the anger rises: slow it down. Ten seconds. Then ask, what am I really feeling? Bring it to God in real words before the sun goes down.

NEXT WEDNESDAY

When Prayer Feels Like It Is Bouncing Off the Ceiling.  You are praying. Nothing is happening. The heavens feel like brass. Next week we will talk about what the Bible says about the seasons when God feels silent — and why the silence is not what you think it is. Bring a friend. Bring your coffee. We’ll be here.

If anything in this paper hits you, ask for Peter or Bill.

We’re here every Wednesday from 11 a.m. to 1 p.m.

(Except the first Wednesday of the month — we’re praying at the Mayor’s office.)

Or if you’re interested, you can find more writings at RefineryFlint.org

Presented by refineryflint.org and Christ Heart Ministry

All Scripture quoted from the New Living Translation (NLT).