Fear and Unforgiveness: breaking the Cycle

Fear and Unforgiveness:

Breaking the Cycle

The Deadly Connection

Fear and unforgiveness form a vicious spiritual cycle that imprisons believers. These aren't separate issues—they're deeply intertwined, each feeding and strengthening the other. Understanding their connection is essential to walking in freedom.

Fear Produces Unforgiveness

In Matthew 18:21-35, Jesus tells of a servant forgiven an impossible debt who then violently demanded repayment from someone who owed him a pittance. The master delivered him "to the torturers" until he paid all. Jesus concluded: "So My heavenly Father also will do to you if each of you, from his heart, does not forgive."

The servant's inability to forgive came from fear—a scarcity mindset that feared losing what little he had. Despite receiving complete forgiveness, he couldn't extend it because fear governed his heart.

Proverbs 29:25 declares: "The fear of man brings a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord shall be safe." We hold unforgiveness like a shield, believing it protects us from being hurt again. But this protective barrier becomes a prison.

Unforgiveness Produces Fear

First John 4:18 reveals the core issue: "There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love."

Unforgiveness is fundamentally a failure to love. When we withhold forgiveness, we cannot walk in perfect love, and the absence of that love opens the door to fear—fear of being hurt again, fear of appearing weak, fear of injustice going unpunished.

The text says fear "involves torment." Matthew 18:34 describes being "delivered to the torturers"—the internal torment of anxiety, rumination, rehearsing grievances, and emotional bondage that keeps us chained to people and events from our past.

Hebrews 12:15 warns: "lest any root of bitterness springing up cause trouble, and by this many become defiled." Bitterness creates fear-based disturbance and spiritual contamination.

Unforgiveness also blocks access to God, producing deeper fear. Mark 11:25-26 states: "And whenever you stand praying, if you have anything against anyone, forgive him, that your Father in heaven may also forgive you your trespasses. But if you do not forgive, neither will your Father in heaven forgive your trespasses."

Romans 8:15 contrasts two conditions: "For you did not receive the spirit of bondage again to fear, but you received the Spirit of adoption." Unforgiveness keeps us in bondage to fear rather than walking in the freedom of sonship.

The Hidden Root: Unforgiveness Toward God

Here's the revelation most miss: all unforgiveness is ultimately toward God, not the person we claim we cannot forgive.

Every act of unforgiveness is fundamentally a dispute with God's sovereignty. Genesis 3:12 shows the original pattern. After sinning, Adam blamed God: "The woman whom You gave to be with me, she gave me of the tree." Sin created fear, fear produced blame, and that blame was directed at God.

Romans 8:28 establishes: "all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose." When we refuse to forgive someone, we're refusing to trust this promise. We're telling God, "You got this one wrong. Your sovereignty failed here."

Genesis 50:20 provides the paradigm. Joseph told his brothers: "But as for you, you meant evil against me; but God meant it for good." But Genesis 45:8 goes deeper: "So now it was not you who sent me here, but God."

Joseph absolved his brothers because he recognized God as the ultimate actor. The brothers were the delivery system, but God was the sender. His unforgiveness would have been directed at God's plan, not his brothers' sin.

Romans 13:1 declares: "there is no authority except from God, and the authorities that exist are appointed by God." Every person who has hurt you was either placed by God or permitted by God to intersect your life. Unforgiveness toward them is disputing God's appointment.

David understood this. When Shimei cursed him, David said: "Let him alone, and let him curse; for so the Lord has ordered him" (2 Samuel 16:10-11). David recognized Shimei as God's instrument.

Even the cross demonstrates this. Acts 4:27-28 reveals that those who crucified Christ were fulfilling "whatever Your hand and Your purpose determined before to be done." The most evil act in history was predetermined by God. Christ's forgiveness from the cross was submission to the Father's will.

The Real Test

First Peter 2:19-20 reveals where the true test lies: suffering is "commendable before God" when endured "because of conscience toward God." The suffering comes from people, but the test is about our relationship with God, not the offender.

James 1:2-4 instructs: "count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience." God engineers trials through people. Unforgiveness toward those people is rejecting God's refining process.

Job 9:32-33 expresses our dilemma: wanting to take God to court but recognizing the impossibility. Yet unforgiveness keeps an open court case in our hearts. The defendant is always God, even when we think it's about the person. We're saying, "God, You should not have allowed this. Your verdict was wrong."

Psalm 73 shows Asaph's journey. He was bitter, essentially accusing God of unfairness. But in God's presence (verses 16-17), his perspective shifted. He released his case against God, and unforgiveness dissolved.

Breaking Free

Psalm 115:3 settles it: "But our God is in heaven; He does whatever He pleases." When we truly accept this, unforgiveness becomes impossible. Every person who hurt us was either sent by God or permitted by God for purposes we may not understand.

Romans 9:20-21 confronts our resistance: "who are you to reply against God? Will the thing formed say to him who formed it, 'Why have you made me like this?'"

The cross is God's answer to our accusation against Him. Colossians 2:13-14 reveals Christ "wiped out the handwriting of requirements that was against us." This wasn't just the Law—it was our accusation against God. Isaiah 53:4 prophesied: "we esteemed Him stricken, smitten by God." We blamed God, and God took that blame upon Himself in Christ.

Walking in Freedom

The path to freedom:

1. Identify your accusation against God. What are you blaming Him for allowing?

2. Confess it as sin. Unforgiveness toward God questions His sovereignty, wisdom, or love.

3. Choose to trust His character. Trust isn't based on understanding but on God's revealed character.

4. Release the person as God's instrument. "Father, I recognize they were Your instrument. I forgive them because I trust You."

5. Embrace the trial as God's gift. Romans 8:28 stands: God is working it for good.

Conclusion

The person who hurt you is just the delivery system.

God is the sender. All unforgiveness terminates at His throne.

When you truly believe God is sovereign over every detail of your life—including every wound—unforgiveness becomes impossible. The real question was never "Will I forgive them?" but "Will I trust God?"

When you settle that question—when you release your case against God—fear dissolves and forgiveness flows naturally. You're free to love without fear of being hurt, to trust without fear of betrayal, to forgive without fear of weakness.

Matthew 6:14-15 makes it urgent: "For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses."

Ephesians 4:32: "be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you."

When you see God's hand in everything, you can forgive anything. This is the gospel applied to our deepest wounds. Walk in this freedom. Choose forgiveness. Trust God's sovereignty. And watch as fear loses its grip and peace guards your heart in Christ Jesus.